Managing Your Anger Response: Book Review

The information in this article is from the book Transforming Anger by Doc Childre and Deobrah Rozman. The link to review and purchase the book (via Amazon.com) is at the end of the article.

Everyone gets angry! Anger is a normal human emotion. It is important to note, anger is often used as an umbrella term. We all know how anger feels, we become irritable, short-termed, aggressive, hostile, we say hurtful things, etc. Yes, all of this feels like anger, but it’s not the reason that you’re angry. The book,Transforming Anger states that we feel angry when we’re really experiencing:

· Insecurity: uncertainty, feeling danger, threat or lack of protection

· Guilt: feeling responsible for offensive acts

· Hurt: emotional pain due to someone’s words or actions

· Disappointment: displeasure due to unfulfilled hopes

· Embarrassment: self-conscious of negative response from others

· Jealousy: fear response over lack of possessions of safety

· Resentment: feeling unhappy due to being wronged/ hurt

· Rage: uncontrollable violent actions

· Frustration: upset at inability to change/ achieve something

· Irritation: emotional discomfort from inconveniences/ annoyances

· Anxiety: worry about the future

· Depression: sad mood, negative thoughts

· Victimized: (hardships, trauma, “shoulds”)

How does anger present? What does it look like? How can you know for sure if you’re angry? This article will tell you. Individuals presenting with anger can look very difference in comparison. Differences in presentation may be due to individual differences in: emotional thresholds (i.e., how much can you take before getting angry), coping skills (activities that help calm you down), temperament (long held personality traits), etc. So, we will discuss a few of the common indicators that your anger needs better management.

During periods of anger, individuals may have outbursts. These outbursts are practically an accumulation of anger that was built over time, and not managed. Outbursts can consist of past unresolved anger, and anger from current emotional pain. Individuals may become short-tempered, irritable, and they may say and do very hurtful things. It is important to note, that anger can really hurt relationships. Loved ones especially become fearful because the person struggling with anger is out-of-control and in a state of overdrive. Individuals struggling with anger tend to experience a simultaneous inability to think rationally. They make decisions that can jeopardize their future, which may involve long-term relationships, careers, health, finances, safety, etc. Individuals who have experienced long-term anger, is at greater risk for anger issues becoming worse. The book states that the more you respond to situations with anger, the more likely you are to get angry in the future. This idea is similar to, the more you cook a meal, the better it tastes/ turns out; the more you exercise, the easier it becomes; the more you sing a song, the better your pitch gets. Individuals experiencing anger are also at risk for physical health complications. Symptoms such as headaches, irregular heartbeat, tension (back, chest, jaw), high blood pressure, cardiac issues, hormonal balances are frequently reported.

So now, let’s get into what to do with this anger. Apparently, there is a reason, a situation for you to feel angry. That is not doubt. But the book encourages us to learn what to do when anger occurs, and to act at the first whiff of rising anger. Unfortunately, this article does not discuss how to resolve the situation that made you angry. But, we do discuss how we can intervene on anger responses, so that we can handle situations effectively, without hurting relationships and making decisions that we later regret. Here are the steps that the book recommends:

1. Ask yourself if there’s an alternative, a healthier, or a more helpful emotion for you to experience in this moment.

Let’s take the example that you get pulled over for a broken tail light, and you’re already late for a meeting at work. Before you got pulled over, you were probably already on edge, rushing, and mentally preparing to walk into work. Then you get pulled over. This inconvenience seems like it’s making the issue even worse, why does this have to happen to you? Now, ask yourself – what would be the best emotion for me to express right now. Consider this, you could get angry and have an outburst with the police officer – but that can lead to jail or a ticket. So instead, you may decide that, despite being angry, in this moment, I choose to feel patience. Choosing patience over anger can help the situation resolve faster, and there may even be fewer consequences. This practice is not to say that whatever happened that made you anger is ok. The book is saying that there’s a better and healthier way for us to feel and think while handling situations that make us angry.

2. Shift your focus inward, and breath the Selected Emotion through your heart space.

Step 2 discussed in the book is a little tricky, because many of us were never taught how to “breath an emotion through our heart space.” So, let’s break it down. This step encompasses several other coping skills, all wrapped up into one practice. First, let’s talk about body scanning. Body scanning is a meditation-like practice, which involves mentally checking out parts of your body. Normally, you’ll do this with your eyes and hands, to see how everything looks. But in this case, you’ll examine your body with your mind to see how it feels in that region. You may ask yourself, how does this body area feel, is it painful, is it tense, is it comfortable, am I holding bladder, do I need to stretch/ exercise, does it itch? Second, is the power of breath. Breath work is important because it regulates our heartbeat and calms everything down. The book states that when you experience certain emotions (e.g., happiness, attraction, jealous, irritation), your heart creates its own special heart beat pattern, that signals to the brain what emotion you are feeling. Breath work is an intervention, because it immediately stops your heart from signaling negative emotions to your brain, and it calms down the body’s natural stress response (i.e., autonomic nervous system, fight or flight response). Third, it’s going to take some grit. Choosing to feel an alternative emotion in lieu of anger can take a lot of personal will, strength, and grit. It may feel like you’re driving down the highway, and you just realized that you’re taking the wrong exit, now you have to veer back into the right lane.

3. Balance heart and brain.

Here is where all of the elements come into play! (1) You’ve determined an alternative emotion to experience, (2) you’ve brought your mental attention to your chest area/ heart space so you can regulate your heartbeat, (3) now it’s time to breath through it. Pay attention to your chest, it may help to lay a hand on your chest. Think about the emotion you want to feel, affirm to yourself that you are capable of feeling this emotion, visualize yourself feeling like this, imagine how others would respond if you felt like this. Also, monitor your breathing. When we are sad or angry, our breathing gets crazy. We inhale/ exhale fast, we feel out of breath, we stutter while breathing. So, intentionally inhale every bit of air, slowly, calmly and fully – as best as you can. You can exhale with some force if you really need let go of some tension. Think about the selected emotion, give yourself some soft/ slow/ full breaths, and repeat, repeat, repeat. As we discussed earlier, the more you respond with anger, the more likely that anger will be your first response in the future – it’s a habit that has been formed. Given all the times you’ve responded with anger, give yourself some patience, compassion, and time to calm down. This exercise may not work the first time, or it may not work in the way that you expect. Practice, practice, practice. And for more support, consider finding a licensed professional. Attending therapy will provide a judgement-free and confidential space for you to discuss your anger responses and what makes you angry. Individual therapy will also offer greater support, as the professional will be able to aide your unique case.

https://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Anger-Heartmath-Frustration-Irritation/dp/157224352X